Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Long time ago...

The last time I wrote was...goodness, the beginning of this year?? So much has been going on since then that I feel as if a tornado has swept me up in such a whirlwind that I no longer know heads from tails. I have not been able to get a full night's rest in well over 6 months. Nightmares have been plaguing me...stupid ones at that...and I have just the knack for recognizing them as such and waking myself up. Ugh...I miss sleep so much. When I am not having a nightmare, I am having dreams about how things use to be. It makes me pause for a bit upon awakening and wonder if I am having regrets? No way...or am I? I like to think not because I am so happy with where I am at in this point of my life (meaning I love where I live, my job, and friends...there are a few select people I wish would kindly exit the stage). Why would I want what could have been? A dead end job? A couple of "friends" who don't know the true definition of the word? No thank you! I have met quite a wonderful bunch of people and it makes me question what all the previous friendships I had truly were. But I suppose that each one of those was what they were for a valid reason. It was something that was felt needed at the time and I am greatly for them. There are a few things I am struggling with...a lot more so lately than before. Nothing new. Just things that I had casually tossed to the back burner as I am so well known to do. They are starting to boil over so I will take notice. But I am just not ready to...until I get myself so burned that I have to face it. Ugh... I miss someone. More than I probably should. I'm scared that what is is all that will be. Im suppose to be okay with that, but how can I be? I wish that I could say I'm okay with being content with where I am...that what is definitely is all that will ever be. But I just cannot accept that. Life is offering me chances and I think that I am ready to respond and take them. "You are an unfinished work in progress. One of the good things about life's challenges: you get to find out that you're capable of being far more than you ever thought possible." <3

Sunday, February 19, 2012


i use to take chances. go out on a limb and live life.

when did i stop doing that?

i find myself asking a million times a day "is this all there is to life?"

i hate thinking like that. i know that "no" is the only option to answer that question.

there's so much that i want to take out of many things i want to do. but i find myself making excuses now. "i worked too hard"..."not enough time"..."it might not be as fun as i imagined".

what kind of life is that?

i find myself holding hostility and becoming a mean person. i don't want to be that. i am so grateful for everything i have and have the chance to do.

i need to change.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

is two really better than one?

I'm so sick of being lied to. I am so sick of being expected to believe that the one person who's suppose to be my partner in life will be just partner. Not someone I am constantly butting heads with...arguing with...constantly scrutinizing each tone of voice when presented with a question or statement.

I swear I must wear a sign around my neck no matter where I go that just screams "hey guys! I am a sucker for a liar!"

It's a bit ridiculous.

I'd rather be on my own.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

where do we stand?

i had an ache in my heart that i thought would never go away. things that were left unsaid. touches that didn't linger quite long enough. i wanted nothing more than to go back in time to relive just a few moments of the time we had together. to try to figure out where i went wrong...which part of me just wasn't good enough to hold onto.

i believe in God because of you. every night i spent worried about you, praying that everything would be okay was answered. and they were. i spent too much time putting you first...and for a while, you made me believe you did the same for me. i never failed to tell you how i felt about you...and you didn't hesitate either. how am i suppose to believe that it was all a lie? a fabrication to get you through those tough days/nights? i don't believe it...not because i'm naive, but because you're better than that.

i stopped believing so much in God when you said goodbye the way you did...words that were cold, cruel, and had no resemblance to the words only a few moments before you had shared with me.

months...years...go by without a word. I won't say my heart was shattered because of, i don't let you do that to me. but it was badly bruised.

i fell into depression. i wanted so badly to love someone as much as i believe one can love another human being. but so terrified it wouldn't be enough. because i am just never good enough. its true.

I said to myself that if God wanted you in my life...he would've kept you there.

when i felt like i just couldnt take the hurt anymore, I prayed to God again. so wholly and sincerely one night as i lay in bed. and just as if i had snapped my fingers, the pain was gone. taken away and put high on a shelf that i can't even begin to reach.

i thought it was over...that i was finally set free.

until i realized i cant think of you anymore. that i don't remember anything anymore.

id take all those nights of crying just to remember how it felt to feel something towards you...

Sunday, June 12, 2011

research for a good reason

normally i am not a fan of sitting down and figuring out why one thing is better than the other. especially when those "things" come in numerous amounts and varieties.

im talking about dog food. i think the time has come where i need to start investing a little bit more time into what i am actually placing into my dogs' food bowls every night.

you see...I have Nosmo, my siberian husky who is my pride and joy. And as naive as it sounds, I fully expect him to live forever. Or at least live a very long and healthy life. So obviously with that being said, I want what is best for him.

And we have Charleigh, our mutt who is the cutest thing i've ever laid eyes on. She came to us scared, underweight, and very very food....motivated? I don't know if thats the correct word I am looking for. She eats as if its her last meal, as if we will not ever feed her again. And who can blame her with her past?

Nosmo is overweight at the moment and on a diet, and Charleigh is underweight (despite our best efforts...shes part German Shepard, so we think she has a metabolic issue which is normal for that breed).

At the moment, both are currently eating Science Diet. Nosmo eats Lg. Breed Healthy Mobility and Charleigh eats Puppy Lamb and Rice. While I have no complaints really about their foods, I just feel as if I could be feeding them better. And with all the brands and options on the market, its very hard to choose just the right one .

Charleigh is getting to the age where her and Nosmo can be on the same food. Like I said, Ive had them on Science Diet, partly because I have no complaints as previously stated, but also I get a good discount through work. But since they will both be on the same food soon (whatever that may come to be), I'd rather put that money towards a big bag of something better. Sure, it wont last as long being split between the two, but I dont care.

Money is worth the sacrifice to their health and longevity.

This post may have been bit of a scatter-brained entry...but I'll try to keep posted about the things I find out. :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

been a while

And it's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

And it's been awhile

Since I first saw you

I am trying hard to let go of the hurt I have. Even harder I am trying not to hold you accountable for your actions that you needed to take. I cannot keep going down the path that always leads me to heartache, heartbreak, and false starts and promises.

And it's been awhile

Since I could stand on my own two feet again

And it's been awhile

Since I could call you

I need to not be so angry with you. I need to show you that you are the only thing that keeps me afloat these days. I am a mess...I am grasping at anything that will keep my head above the salt water that brushes my lips. I realize that I may very well end up pulling you down with me...and that hurts the most. Because I cannot save you.

And everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it all may seem

The consequences that I've rendered

I've stretched myself beyond my means

I need to remember that my past is just that....the past. That things that I am remembering more and more these days cannot come back and hurt me in any way, shape, or form. That the arguments I am replaying in my head are just echoes of time...and the alarm is going off to shut them off for good.

And it's been awhile

Since I can say that I wasn't addicted

And it's been awhile

Since I can say I love myself as well

My old friendships are fading, and the newer ones are blossoming into the most gorgeous things ever. I am not continuing to keep things alive that others cannot continue to fertilize their half. I'd much rather have daisies than dandelions (for they blow away too easily).

And it's been awhile

Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do

And it's been awhile

But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

I broke picture frames....swept up the glass and tucked away the pictures. Defeats the purpose....but you're gone and there is nothing I can do to bring you back. That part is the hardest thing to cope with.

And everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it all may seem

The consequences that I've rendered

I've gone and fucked things up again

I know I messed up...I gave up security for something that ended up being a failure. I know that you hate me...that you always will. But I hope that a part of you will always secretly thank you for giving you a better life. I am a destructive force...and no one deserves to be stuck with that. Thank you for my own freedom. One day I will tell you my story. And maybe you'll understand.

Why must I feel this way?

Just make this go away

Just one more peaceful day

I'm sorry I helped ruin your life for a brief few months. I am glad you came out stronger than me. That doesn't happen very often...and sometimes I need to remember I am just human. That things I love can be taken away from me...and I deserve that.

And it's been awhile

Since I could look at myself straight

And it's been awhile

Since I said I'm sorry

We should have been a lot closer. I want to tell you so many things because I feel I can trust you...but now the distance is too much. I hope you're able to read between the lines.

And it's been awhile

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face

And it's been awhile

But I can still remember just the way you taste

The beach at night is still my favorite. Especially when there are fireworks. Nothing will ever taste as sweet as the salt on my lips and nothing will feel as good as a perfect match for my hand and sand between my toes. I still have a million questions to ask you...but I guess you already know that.

And everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it all may seem to be, I know it's me

I cannot blame this on my father

He did the best he could for me

It's not easy being me. I am walked all over, taken advantage of, and tossed to the side until the next thing I can offer comes out. I'm use to it...though sometimes it hurts, its what comes naturally. But you're taking more than your share. And it's wearing me out.

And it's been awhile

Since I could hold my head up high

And it's been awhile

Since I said I'm sorry